Blonesty
I'm back from spring break, and an happy to report that I had a blast. I was a bit worried that things would go awry, but the company was awesome, the place was beautiful, and I was able relax and enjoy every second of it.Fast Forward
I went to my old high school today with the legal clinic to talk to the Gay Student Alliance about their life at school and what we could do to improve it. I wasn't nastalgic when we pulled in, and I'd sort of hoped that I would be. I noticed immediately the smell of the school as we entered, and it gave me whatever feelings I was looking for. I was hoping to pop in to Herr Ott's classroom, but we didn't have time, and that is my only regret.
I think I'm a really understanding person generally, I can't grasp the thought process behind discrimination and hate makes me sick. My experience with the Safe Schools project has brought to light the fact that I'm not as understanding as I think, sadly. Twice now I've been in a room filled with LGBT students and teachers --I was the only straighter. I wasn't uncomfortable and I didn't really care. EXCEPT. I sort of wanted to lay it out there that I'm not gay. I convinced myself for a second that I wanted to throw it out there to show that straight people can fight too, which the lectures talk about. I wanted to be the face of that. But I pretty much knew there was more to it than that and I wanted to figured that out. I thought about it, but not too seriously, until today. One of the Monroe High teachers told me that she was going to go to the faculty and tell everyone that I'd come in, and although I was excited for that, I immediately thought that everyone was going to assume that I was gay. I don't even know why I had that thought -- Is it because it's just not who I am? Or because it's something I don't want people to think? I made a joke in my head (I do that a lot) about how I could tie in my fake fatasy of a fake ring and fake wedding and fake wedding announcement as a way to clear the air. But why even have that thought? I just don't know where that leaves me. I'm truly for gay rights, and gay marriage, and gay adoption, and gay people, and think gay sex can be hot. So then why don't I want Herr Ott to think I'm gay? I'm disappointed in myself about the whole thing, and I don't even know what it all means.
I've been doing criminal law pmbr questions, which are hard and I get completely wrong, pretty much all of the time. There were three or so (maybe two) questions involving rape and I got VERY upset with the questions. One involved a guy who couldn't get hard so couldn't actually penetrate, the other about a girl that he thought was drunk but was in fact dead. For some reason it was really upsetting and now I'm worried that it will be a disruption when I'm taking the actual bar. It ties in to the LBGT debate I'm having in my head though, because I at times feel uncomfortable standing up against sexual assault sentiment. People who do assumed to have been assaulted; people who speak out about gay rights are assumed to be gay. There are times I don't speak out because I don't want people to think I've been raped. Is that about shame? I can't really think of another reason, although I'm not sure that one fits 100%. Does that mean that I don't want people to think that I'm gay because I would be ashamed? I really don't think so. If I was gay and was ashamed I'd immediately tell myself to get into counseling because there is no fucking reason to be ashamed. And I'd go too, if I had that thought and was.
This is my blog of honesty because I am on a new mission entitled: Get myself metaphysically prepared to move so that I can enter the state of Arizona whole and baggageless (in the metaphorical sense) and emotionally and mentally stable, and in a better place than I was when I entered the state of Ohio.
posted by Z @ 5:33 PM
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