Regrets
So my "stool" has been very green lately. And because I take care of myself so well I never inquired as to why that is. Today I got really bored and looked online. Turns out that grape kool-aid has red 5 in it, and that red 5 causes stool to turn green. I can't imagine why that is. But I do know that grape fake crystal light, which I drink MUCHO of, has red 40, and causes the same effect.
Here is your poopin post. Regret the demand NOW DONTCHA!
Maybe Not
I was going to be done with the blog, but here I am again... I got to Tucson today, and find it unsettling. I realized I was prepared to be the person that is moving to AZ, but am not prepared to be the person that lives in AZ. I just need to digest it, which will happen, but until then the anxiety is back.
I'm excited to meet new people, but I'm also exhausted. I hope that I find the energy to be social by Monday. If not, it's alright, I restart at the end of May in Bar-bri.I guess I still feel in limbo -- this isn't where I am going to live, I have only been here a few hours, I'm not totally ready for this experience and the bar.... Moving on is always sad for me, and I think I'm giving myself an extra time to hold on to Toledo and my old life. Tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start, and a new life.
The Blog
None
I just found out that a friend from law school has a myspace page by seeing it on a friend from high school's friends list. I am VERY disturbed by this.
The other day I heard a song's refrain that I liked a lot: "Why do you work so hard to get what you don't even want". At the time I thought it was very profound. I still like it, and almost used it as advice today at work but didn't think it would go over appropriately.
I am very tan and I love it.
The ABA came to evaluate my school. It's apparently a big deal. One of the ladies sat in my legal clinic class for 10 minutes and frowned deeply twice. I consider that a bad sigh. Later that day I had immigration law, and the same woman walked in. She stayed for the obligatory 10 minutes, 9 of which consisted of my class sitting around wondering if my prof was ever going to show up. One of my classmates walked in during minute 10, announced he wasn't coming, set down a video for us to watch, and walked out. Another frown, and out the ABA went again. I couldn't stop laughing, and then I left too.
I'm pretty much getting rid of all my belongings in the next month or so, so if you want anything let me know!
Forgot
I've got an update on the whole -- What kind of music do you like? business. I recently had the pleasure of experiences the conversation I
used to think would be funny (for the forgetful -- I looove Bush! do you like bush?). The Bush comment was uncalled for, semi-offensive, and totally inappropriate, to say the least. "What a creep" followed said conversation. Just one more example of why what kind of music do you like should be in no one's book of lines.
Blonesty
I'm back from spring break, and an happy to report that I had a blast. I was a bit worried that things would go awry, but the company was awesome, the place was beautiful, and I was able relax and enjoy every second of it.
Fast Forward
I went to my old high school today with the legal clinic to talk to the Gay Student Alliance about their life at school and what we could do to improve it. I wasn't nastalgic when we pulled in, and I'd sort of hoped that I would be. I noticed immediately the smell of the school as we entered, and it gave me whatever feelings I was looking for. I was hoping to pop in to Herr Ott's classroom, but we didn't have time, and that is my only regret.
I think I'm a really understanding person generally, I can't grasp the thought process behind discrimination and hate makes me sick. My experience with the Safe Schools project has brought to light the fact that I'm not as understanding as I think, sadly. Twice now I've been in a room filled with LGBT students and teachers --I was the only straighter. I wasn't uncomfortable and I didn't really care. EXCEPT. I sort of wanted to lay it out there that I'm not gay. I convinced myself for a second that I wanted to throw it out there to show that straight people can fight too, which the lectures talk about. I wanted to be the face of that. But I pretty much knew there was more to it than that and I wanted to figured that out. I thought about it, but not too seriously, until today. One of the Monroe High teachers told me that she was going to go to the faculty and tell everyone that I'd come in, and although I was excited for that, I immediately thought that everyone was going to assume that I was gay. I don't even know why I had that thought -- Is it because it's just not who I am? Or because it's something I don't want people to think? I made a joke in my head (I do that a lot) about how I could tie in my fake fatasy of a fake ring and fake wedding and fake wedding announcement as a way to clear the air. But why even have that thought? I just don't know where that leaves me. I'm truly for gay rights, and gay marriage, and gay adoption, and gay people, and think gay sex can be hot. So then why don't I want Herr Ott to think I'm gay? I'm disappointed in myself about the whole thing, and I don't even know what it all means.
I've been doing criminal law pmbr questions, which are hard and I get completely wrong, pretty much all of the time. There were three or so (maybe two) questions involving rape and I got VERY upset with the questions. One involved a guy who couldn't get hard so couldn't actually penetrate, the other about a girl that he thought was drunk but was in fact dead. For some reason it was really upsetting and now I'm worried that it will be a disruption when I'm taking the actual bar. It ties in to the LBGT debate I'm having in my head though, because I at times feel uncomfortable standing up against sexual assault sentiment. People who do assumed to have been assaulted; people who speak out about gay rights are assumed to be gay. There are times I don't speak out because I don't want people to think I've been raped. Is that about shame? I can't really think of another reason, although I'm not sure that one fits 100%. Does that mean that I don't want people to think that I'm gay because I would be ashamed? I really don't think so. If I was gay and was ashamed I'd immediately tell myself to get into counseling because there is no fucking reason to be ashamed. And I'd go too, if I had that thought and was.
This is my blog of honesty because I am on a new mission entitled: Get myself metaphysically prepared to move so that I can enter the state of Arizona whole and baggageless (in the metaphorical sense) and emotionally and mentally stable, and in a better place than I was when I entered the state of Ohio.
Music Madness
Lately I've been asked questions that I just don't know the correct answer to. I know AN answer, but I'm just not sure what I'm SUPPOSED to be answering. At a job interview it's unsettling, but it's a job interview. In real life?! What the fuck?
Heather once told me that she has a first date ritual. Asks the same questions at dinner, orders pretty much the same isn't-messy-to-eat food. I always think of that when people say things that are obviously scripted, or ask questions out of nowhere that just don't fit. Heather pulls it off, many people do not. I bring this up because an aquaintance asks me every time we get into a semi-long converation -- what kind of music do you like? It's not that it's the same question over and over again, because that wouldn't bother me. It's -- what ASKS that?!?! Am I 15? I've known-ish you for a few years and you still need to resort to that? What do you want me to say? I can't even imagine where someone would think that conversation is going to go. Here is what I imagine...
Them: What kind of music do you like?
Me: I loooove Elton John!
Them: Oh.
End of conversation. or
Me: I really like singer songwriter -- accoustic. And lately I'm really into slower songs that have been remixed with a techno beat. (My real answer, after thinking about it for a few seconds because who fucking CARES)
Them: Awesome, I like Billy Idol (or some shit, I don't remember the actual answer because who fucking CARES)
What I should have said is "I loooove Bush. Do you love Bush?" just to make the whole thing really awkward.
I used to think, and still might, that looking at someone's ipod can tell a lot about them. It seems personal, in a way. But to ask someone at a fucking bar? I don't even know what kind of music I like anymore, it's not something I think about. Why? Because I don't fucking CARE! I just listen to whatever i like, end of story. And to all of you out there, it should be the end of the story for you too.
The Good Shepard
I am happy to report that a few people have made me laugh recently. Actually laugh. And so has a movie. I am currently obsessed with Thank You For Smoking. It's wonderful.
I keep meeting friends of friends who I'm not attracted to and who feel the need to myspace and facebook contact me. It was fun for a second that people will stoop to that level to contact me, but only for a second because I generally find them to be unacceptable. Perhaps it's more me than them, but I don't care, it is what it is. Then to top it off squirley dork-boy from law school requested me as a friend, and I can't just not befriend, in case, you know? Idiots. Luckily I met a girl that I like a lot and want to be best friends with. Why? Because she is pretty. I love her. I've spent most of my life having mostly male friends, I think I'm turning that page. It's also possible that I'm "turning that page" because I am just tired of boys in general. Either way, I want new pretty girl to be my friend. They say that the minute you don't want something it comes your way, perhaps I am doing a double reverse on myself.
This semester has been very nice. Everyone around me seems really stressed and I'm generally enoying myself. I'm glad, cause this is it for law school. I used to want to say I'm a law student forever, I thought it sounded cooler than saying I'm a lawyer. I now look forward to all the ass that they both can bring, and I will use them accordingly.
I can't can't can't wait for the Dominican Republic (less myspace messanger boy). There are nine of us going now, and this is wonderful. And one more up in the air! I plan to cause a raucous and raucous I shall cause!
